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Nourishing the Love While Embracing the Sadness: The Expatriate Christmas Story.

It’s Christmas – that time of year all of our protective practices are broken down, and homesickness is given the spotlight. The rest of the year we manage, but sometimes the holiday season is nothing short of unbearable.

 

If you’re an expat, or just living away from family, friends, and the place you grew up, this might be something you relate to. I find it can be hard to talk about, as expressed feelings of sadness during the holidays is often interpreted as unhappiness with my current circumstances. Don’t you like it here? Don’t you have lovely friends here? And a family of your own? Yes, I do. And yet, all these years later I am still homesick during the holidays.

What makes this year different is that I have decided to own it.

 

I have spent ten of the past eleven holiday seasons overseas and away from my home. Well, the home that is my place of origin, where I grew up, and where my family and all the people who knew me when I was young reside. I do have a new home now, but the complexities of a sense of place and having more than one place we call ‘home’ is a topic onto itself.

 

Once again this year it has snuck up on me; Christmas. And I am about to have another one here in Australia. This time of year is about a wide variety of cultural practices, religious holidays, and community gatherings. However you choose to celebrate it, this time at the end of December to the beginning of January tends to have a focus on family and time spent together. For someone who is an Expat, or away from family and friends, this can be a challenging time of year. Frequently torn between new experiences and old traditions, we can get stuck mourning what’s missing at the expense of what we have to experience in the present.

 

January marks 12 years that I have been a Canadian expat living in Australia. I have gone from being single and on my own over the holiday, to spend it with friends, then a partner, and now my husband and children. Christmas day I have spent in many different ways as an Expat; from alone and volunteering at a soup kitchen in Ballarat, on a 4WD trip with our closest friends, to the top of a dune on the Southern Ocean with my family. I have cried alone in a phone booth on a deserted street after having just spoken to all my family. I have experienced the great joy of my son’s, and then my daughter’s, first Christmas and being able to take them camping or to the beach. I have embraced Skype.

 

Along the way, I have been privileged to have friends who have taken me in, families who have invited me to join them, and community events to attend. While I now have my own family, I still struggle when I see the white Christmas on my social media feeds, and the pictures of my parent’s house done up for the season. When I close my eyes I can even smell it; Christmas as I know it.

 

These past 12 years have taught me a lot.

In this past year, I have also learned that we don’t always get to choose the time we spend with family and loved ones. Having lost a family member I love dearly quite recently, I made a few realizations regarding Christmas away from home. My Aunt was an Expat as well, and in the many lessons she taught me, these were some of the most valuable.

 

Embracing new and different cultural practices during the holidays will bring you joy. Respect your home traditions, but don’t mourn them. There is so much beauty in the world, especially around there holiday season, focusing on where you are not will cause you to miss the joy in front of you.

Don’t miss it.

 

You might not always get to choose the time you spend with your family. It might be over the holiday season, it might not. But you do get to decide the quality of that time. When we think back to the time spent with loved ones, and all the memories created, it doesn’t really matter if it was Christmas day or some random day in July. The time is as meaningful as we choose to make it.

Make those days count. Don’t let the calendar dictate your happiness.

 

It’s ok to feel sad during the holidays. And it’s ok to miss those who are not there. But it’s not a betrayal of them or your past to not let that be the only thing you feel.

It’s ok to be happy where you are. You are not betraying anyone.

 

Being an expat is a fantastic opportunity to experience and build a life for yourself in a new place. It can also mean feeling alone in a crowd of people.

 

 

 

I will never forget that experience of being utterly alone on Christmas day. The empty streets. Calling my family from a pay phone, and hearing their joy. The sound of people and festivities in the background as the phone was passed from family member to family member. Followed by sudden silence around me when I finally said goodbye and the horrible loneliness. To this day, 10 years later, when I think about it brings a physical memory and response in my chest. It brings tears to my eyes.

 

I used to think this response was out of sadness for what I had missed. But a decade on I am aware the feelings I have thinking about that Christmas day spent alone are because I still feel that love for my family back in Canada, my friends, where I am from, and where a big piece of me will always be. It is just as strong after 12 years living overseas. I have not lost that connection.

 

I am very grateful for the courage I had on that day a decade ago; instead of going back to where I was staying and spending the day alone, hiding with my sadness, I found somewhere to go. I went to a soup kitchen, not because I needed food, but because I needed the company. They didn’t actually need any more volunteers, but they took me in any way and gave me something to do.

 

I am grateful for that day because it showed me how strong I was. As strong as anyone who dares to move away from those they love. Who dares to follow a dream. But the more important lesson was one that took several years for me to realize. That day taught me while I can’t always choose the events of my life, I have control over how I respond to them. Of what actions I take. And that if I could survive to be away from my family during the holidays, I could survive anything.

And I have.

 

I write this because being healthy over the holidays is not really about whether or not you eat the Pavlova. It’s an emotionally charged time of year, where what we have and what we don’t have comes under the spotlight. We talk a lot about those material things, but really those are not what both matters most and can sadden us the most. It’s the people that matter.

Always the people.

 

To that end, here are my best;

 

10 Tips for Embracing the Holidays While Away from Home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Embrace where you are;

Where you are now is different from where you are from. You might be travelling, or you might have moved because of a job opportunity. Whatever the reason, you are there for a purpose. Embrace the local people, the customs, the culture. Learn about it, be part of it, and enthusiastically experience it.  Don’t waste your time mourning what you are missing. It will not make where you are any different, but it will lessen the joy you get from the holiday season!

2. Embrace new adventures and experiences;

The benefit of not having your holiday experience mapped out for you by traditions is that you are now free to try everything else! What is happening where you are? Festivities, celebrations, events? Take some time to research where you are and what they are famous for during the holiday season. There might be an exciting new adventure on your horizon!

3. Embrace your home culture;

While it’s important to embrace where you are, nothing is stopping you from bringing a few your traditions and celebrate them with your new ones. Pick a few elements of your holiday tradition and share them with your family or new community. It might be a part of a meal, activity, or a style of gifting. In an example, I like to make my family’s gingerbread recipe to share when we visit friends over the holiday season. It’s delicious part of winter Christmas that is suitable to be eaten at the beach in Australia!

4. Embrace technology;

Skype, Google Hangouts, and Facetime, to name a few. Pick one, get it on your phone or computer and make sure everyone you want to connect with has done the same. Get this organized in advance, as no one wants to be engaged in one of those ‘I can’t see you, are you logged on?’ conversations when you only have half an hour before the kid’s nap time.   We have been skyping out Christmas present opening for years. Everywhere from our living room to the top of a dune (several times on the dune in fact!). Be sure to get your call time scheduled in, and account for time-change.

5. Embrace online shopping;

And teach your family how to do the same.  Unless you are super organized (like, September organized) don’t ship gifts home. In addition to being expensive, it can take a very long time to arrive. It can set the family up for disappointment if the gift doesn’t come in time to go under the Christmas tree. Shopping online has become extremely accessible. A not just limited to the big stores; Etsy and other online marketplaces make shopping small and local available globally.

6. Embrace gifting experiences;

Sometimes material gifts are neither practical, or the best way to gift over the holidays. If you are travelling, consider asking family for something that will contribute to your travels, maybe dinner at a restaurant you otherwise could not afford. Or if you live overseas, family memberships for places like the zoo are great ways for grandparents and family members to be directly involved and giving a gift that lasts an entire year.

7. Embrace friends and community;

Spending the day on your own or with only your immediate family can feel a bit isolating your tradition is large family gatherings. If you are short on family to spend Christmas with, consider reaching out to friends or the community.  We have had beautiful holidays camping with friends or picnicking with neighbours. There might also be events in your neighbourhood, such as Christmas lunch that is open to anyone who would like to join.

8. Embrace planning;

The holiday season is fast approaching, and you don’t know what it is going to look like away from home? Take action! Don’t wait for the holidays to just happen to you, as this is a lot more likely to lead to disappointment. Start now and make a plan. What do you want to get out of the holidays? What is important to you and your family? What sort of experience would you like to have? Once you know this, start making a plan, and invite others to join. You might be surprised how many other people are also unsure what to do and will jump on board!

9. Embrace new traditions;

All traditions started somewhere. Even those more sacred to you! Nothing is stopping you from creating your family traditions this year. Consider what is important to you and your family, and make that your tradition. Invite others to join, and find ways to include those back home who cannot be there. Once you open yourself up to new traditions, the loss of old ones becomes a lot less painful.

10. Embrace change;

All of the above points come down to the same issue, embracing change. As an adult, this can be difficult. Although many people place travelling and living overseas very high on the bucket list of life, it can still be difficult during the holiday season. I know for myself there have been years I have wanted a change of scenery every other day but wished for Christmas as I had always known it. Acceptance of new circumstances comes with embracing change and moving forward with positively.

On a final note, traditions over the holiday season are often ones we participate in without questioning why we have them. If looking at what to bring with you and what to leave behind, it might be time to examine your traditions and think about what needs to be left behind?

 

This was a long post – longer then most. If you are still here and reading this, you might be like me – an still trying to work out the holiday season away from home. If that is the case please reach out and say hello.

 

You are not alone.