Change. What To Fight For & What To Leave Behind

What do you do when you’re not doing … that?

It was school pick up and I was doing what I’m sure looked a bit like herding cats – trying to get my son off the play equipment while simultaneously attempting to extract his three-year-old sister from his classroom. Not a lot of success on either front.

Making our typically hurried attempt at small talk, one of the other parents asked me this ‘So, what do you do when you’re not doing this?’

We’ve known each other over a year now. Seen each other several times a week during that time frame. She knew I was passionate about food and other coaching topics (my passion yes, but also my job). But it was during that conversation that I realised something a bit shocking. Someone I had seen regularly for over a year had no idea anything about me outside of my family and professional role.

That wasn’t even the shocking part. The shocking part was that I didn’t really know what to tell her.

Why couldn’t I answer the question?

I didn’t know what to say. For the past five years, I haven’t been the kind of person I’ve been for the 35 years leading up to it. Before kids, people who knew me, they knew me as the kind of person who did certain things, had specific hobbies and interests.

It took me five years to notice that after becoming a mum, the only thing the new people in my life know about me was that I was a mum/wife, and a coach. That’s it.

How did it happen?

As a bit of a back track, I think I could be forgiven for spending a lot of time talking about things like food for mental wellbeing, sleep, exercise, habits… I’m a health coach, and I love what I do.

Also – it’s hard not to talk about kids with parent friends. It’s something we automatically have in common. And as people we do that, find common ground.

Before having kids, I was the kind of person who loved to travel. Spend time in the wilderness. Camping, rock climbing, hiking. In the years right before having children my then partner now husband and I had taken up kite boarding. And mountain biking.

And that’s a whole story for another time 😉

And me? Did you know I love to make things? I quilt, I weave, and I crochet. Specifically, I like to ‘upcycle’ old material into something new. And I LOVE craft shows.

But people new to me don’t know these things about me. Unless they knew me ‘before’. Before kids. Before staring my coaching business. Before my name became mama, and my non-mama time was work and study time.

Is it all a bad thing?

Now, before I get all down in the dumps about all the things I no longer do as a parent, I want to re-frame this a bit.

Looking back on life before becoming a parent, or before any big change of circumstance or relationships that caused you to leave part of your life behind. It would not be strange to feel like we ‘should’ be practicing ‘self-care’ and getting back into our former hobbies and passions because we owe it to ourselves.

And in truth that was my first reaction. What was the best and quickest way to get on the path back? To the way things were before.

Now I am sure you are all clear on where I’m going with this, right?

Should we be trying to go back? Was it better then? And does it even matter if it was better, because we’re not back there. Life has changed, so why wouldn’t we change?

Maybe the old path is not the right path… now.

Trying to get on a path back to the hobbies and activities I loved, all of them, I quickly realised the flaw in that logic. It assumes that everything I once loved; I must love again.

The realisation left me with a question. Did I really want to go back to the ‘kind of person’ I was before? Or did I have new interests, values, and priorities? Either way, I knew two things for certain:

• I wanted to be ‘the kind of person’ who was known by her friends for more then family and work. Those two things might be my priority, but they could no longer be the only
• Not all the things that were important to me before were important now.

With that in mind, I decided to look at it a bit differently. And here is what I am going to do:

I am going to make a list of all the things I used to do, that I feel like I miss doing. Once I have that list, I am going to look at each item and say out loud “I’m the kind of person who ____”

(I’ve been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear… he’s gotten into my thoughts!)

If it feels right when I say that, or it feels like “YES! That is the kind of person I am!” Then it goes on a new list – the one for things I am going to get started with.

So, then what?

To successfully get back into something we once did and loved, here’s the key.

We must stop thinking we can pick up where we left off. In most cases, we can’t.

This is what we can do that will massively increase our success.

Getting back to an old hobby, activity, or sport after a change in life circumstances is a lot more like starting a brand-new habit. It can work a lot better if we look at it like starting something new instead of being overwhelmed by trying to pick up where we left off. When something is new, we don’t expect ourselves to be experts immediately.

How to (re) create a habit that sticks.

Did you read my email about the Goldilocks Rule? You can  read about it on the blog here. It’s the same idea – trying to get back to mountain biking or tennis or regular visit to the gym, or regular nights out; when you haven’t done it in a long time can be ‘too hard’ making it difficult to maintain motivation. So, it stays on the list of things once loved to do, but don’t do any more.

Read more about changing your HABITS here. 

But let’s not forget the second part of this exercise.

If you say it, “I’m the kind of person who goes to a new restaurant every Saturday night” (in example) and it just doesn’t feel right. If your response is, no, I’m not that kind of person. I don’t want that right now.
Even if you were once a person who absolutely lived for that, if everyone knew you as a hard-core foodie or rock climber, or seven days a week Yogi. If it doesn’t suit the person you have become, then it’s time to let it go. Let go of the guilt for not doing it anymore.

Because in this case, it’s not lack of time, money, or fitness that’s holding you back.  You’re probably not doing it because deep down you don’t really want to. And that’s totally okay. But it’s time to own it.

With love 😉

I would love to hear from you. Is there something you want to get back into? That you want to be ‘that kind of person’ but are finding it a struggle.

Or, have you decided you are not that kind of person anymore, and decided to let something go?

I would love to hear! You can send me an email HERE!