How to disagree, productively, and still add value.
9 tips for when you disagree, but don’t want to fight online or in person.
Online, offline, and on TV. As a society we are no longer able to share conflicting viewpoints in a way that is educational. We have lost our skill to disagree in a way that is productive. The basic principles of debate can give us the skills to disagree productively. But, to do so we must be ready and willing to shift our mindset.
The other day I did it, again.
I saw an article a friend posted. I read the comments. The urge to respond was overwhelming.
To correct them. To tell them where they were wrong. By explaining to them how I was right.
I wrote my well crafted response. I focusing on the facts, and on my mission to educate on a topic I was passionate about.
And then I stopped. Deleted. Closed the page.
Why? Because I was not about to engage in debate. I was trying to convince others I was right. Because I believed I was, and I didn’t go any further then that.
It was in that moment I realized something important. The terrible soap box style monologues seen online (and on TV) often come from the good intentions. Or at least as intended by the person preaching them. The goal might be sharing information and adding value. But this style of communication is not a useful or effective way to disagree.
Which means it’s not adding value, at all.
This is an essential topic for those who choose to market products or services online. Or to have an public presence of any kind. For many of us, our mission is to add value and solve problems. We share ideas and information in a way that will allow for meaningful discussion. When there are differentiating viewpoints debate gives us valuable insights. We learn.
Too often, the communication we experience daily is not one of meaningful debate. Our experiences online (in particular) involve an aggressive form of argument. An argument style that could more accurately described as bullying.
The aggressively articulate speed typist who is most forceful usually ‘wins’.
Which is why it was so confronting to discover who was practising this behaviour. Not only the extremists. Often the people who are the least open to opposing viewpoints are those who want to help others. Those who want to add value. To share a message that will make people’s lives better. People like me.
If we are trying to do good, where do we go so wrong?
We desire to share our knowledge, passion, and experience. In doing so, we attach ourselves to the topic and make it part of us. When our argument, our opinion, becomes WHO we are we lose our ability to debate it.
Not separating ourselves from our opinion, we become only focused on that opinion. By seeing only on our own argument as valid, it is unlikely we will convince anyone our view is correct. Nor will we be successful by focusing on dismantling their argument. Communicating this way is more likely to achieve the opposite. It will further polarize opposing viewpoints.
That might seem a bit extreme for those of us who blog about topics such as health and wellness. But from my experience, this is a space where people are very attached to their opinions. And are very likely to have made their opinions part of their identity.
The problem becomes when we then try to debate these topics. As we are no longer debating a topic. We are attacking a person.
Even if we are spreading a positive message.
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I have decided I can do better. Much better. Below I am going to share with you 9 tips on how to disagree productively and still add value to any conversation. These tips come from Julia Dhar’s TED talk, located here.
9 Tips to Disagree Productively and still Add Value
- Understand that to argue a point effectively is to debate, which is a skill we call learn .
- Never attack the person making the argument, but instead focus on the substance of the ideas themselves. It is ESSENTIAL to separate the ideas from the people.
- Engage with the best, clearest, least personal version of the idea or argument
- Find common ground, no matter how small it might be. Find the one thing everyone agrees on and go from there. This is called a ‘shared reality’ and it is the antidote to alternative facts.
- Remember that to disagree on a topic and still add value is to debate (not fight). Debate requires a rebuttal. Without rebuttal, sharing a viewpoint is pontificating (also know as being a pompous ass).
- Embrace intellectual humility and uncertainty. This is difficult to do, and takes practice. Essentially, it’s stepping into the other person’s shoes. And opening yourself up to the possibility of being wrong. The outcome of intellectual humility is better decision making skills and less defensiveness.
- After considering the points above, ask yourself the questions; “What is it that I have changed my mind about and why?”
“What uncertainty am I humble about?” - Consider deeply what it would take to change your mind. What would it take to increase the amount of common ground you shared?
- If you have the ability to do so, speak to the person face to face. Focusing on the sound of a person’s voice is humanizing. This is why the online debate can turn ugly so quickly – the lack of human connection.
Julia Dhar sums up quite succinctly by stating:
“And the principles of debate can transform the way that we talk to one another, to empower us to stop talking and to start listening. To stop dismissing and to start persuading. To stop shutting down and to start opening our minds.”
In my opinion we would all benefit from this kind of debate, online, on TV, and in person. It takes opening ourselves up to the possibility that we are not be right. In doing so, we expose ourselves to the vulnerability of what it would actually take to change our minds. And the humility to admit there might be parts of our argument we are uncertain about. Finally, we must remember to separate ourselves from our argument. This will allow these changes to happen.
These nine points are skills possessed by great debaters. Anyone can learn these skills. It is shifting mindset to allow for vulnerability and humility. This will allow people to engage with your viewpoint.
Would you like to learn more about mindset, and how simple changes can help you achieve your goals? Join our mailing list and get your free copy of Building a Success Mindset Through Happiness: Three Positive Mindset Activities for Everyday. Click on the ‘Download Now’ button below for instant access.
To view the TED talk 'How to disagree productively and find common ground' featuring Julia Dhar, references, and further reading on this topic visit ted.com.
